Saturday, June 18, 2011

An Altruism of Biblical Proportions

Day 5: Prodigal Son and Sacrificial Lamb

Good news or bad news. Which do you want first?

My college friends decided that they would love to hang out with me on Monday. They all drove over and we spent some time running around Chillicothe in the light of a full moon and just catching up in my basement. Late nights like these remind me of what we used to do together and the people we used to do things with. Several hours of just hanging out like we used to? Perfect.
After they all went home I stayed up, filling my time with New Vegas until about 5 AM. I didn't pass out until about 6. At about 9, I was ripped from my bed by two of them and taken to a little place called Track Inn for breakfast. Altogether, the morning was enjoyable, though the food was anything but impressive.
Sleep deprivation magnifies a particular part of my personality that often gets me in trouble. While Skyping with the aptly and affectionately named Walls of Jericho I began my daily negativity and bitching ritual. He was left unamused. And right as the conversation switched gears to something else, BLAMO, my internet goes out. Turns out my provider's IP servers decided to take a coffee break. A whole day without internet. At this point I was thoroughly put out.
I awoke later to find my sister, mother, and grandmother talking at the kitchen table. I get my dinner, sit down, and join the conversation. The conversation was... awkward. It included legalization of marijuana, spirituality, the Opium Wars, the great things drugs do for people, backstabbing friends, blah blah blah. So when the spirituality topic came around my brother got a little miffed by my sister and stormed off after she began to confront him about his reaction to the things she was saying.
-Side Note- How do I describe my sister? She is the eldest, I am the second. I was in counseling a few years ago and when I was describing the relationship I have with her, my counselor told me about how strange we both were. Ordinarily, in a family like mine, the oldest child took on the responsibilities, while the second born became the rebellious one. The way my sister and I turned out flipped this token.
At the beginning we seemed to fit this perfectly, I was the black sheep of my family and always had poor grades, while Mary was an athlete, a fine student, quite social. Then when she got to high school she went wild. And here is where the problems not necessarily begin, but certainly intensify. My sister started seeing different people, doing different things, all things I have not and will never do. Disappointing things. She dropped out of high school senior year. She was constantly partying, having parties at our house. Then she came out and went to live with her girlfriend. She seemed happy, but now she's back after they broke up.
--Side Note of the Side Note-- The one of the few things I cannot get over nor accept about her is how my parents are around her. No matter what she's done, no matter how much money she's taken from them, no matter what she says to them, she is always welcomed back with open arms. The Prodigal Son. Is this sibling jealousy? Most certainly. Am I jealous of the things she gets to do? Fuck no. I don't want anything to do with it, but is it fair that she gets to trot around doing whatever she wants and come back with no consequences? I don't think so.

Meanwhile back at the ranch...

A few days later, I believe, was my senior prom.

-the last Side Note-
It's been weeks since I started writing this post. The emotions I felt when writing it have dissipated, but the thoughts in the back of my mind still remain. I can't quite remember all the dates, but here it goes.

I didn't go to my senior prom, mostly because my junior and sophomore years I had some bad experiences during prom. Plus, I had another Saturday detention. The last thing I wanted to do was spend money on a school function. The Saturday was horrible, as usual, and things at home were not any better. In the evening, something happened between my mother and grandmother. I believe both were intoxicated, but the result was a screaming match. It was brutal and sad.

It's these two events that make me think I can't leave. What will happen to my brothers if I'm not there? I feel like I have to be the Sacrificial Lamb. Give up my dreams to protect them. It's not fair, but I'm almost willing. Yet, here I sit, finishing this from my college residence, and I still fear for them. 

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